Deck This...

1. I will scalp the next person who says "tis the season".

2. Frost is exactly like snow only completely different and ruins everything.

3. There's nothing like a head cold to ring in the holidays.

4. "America's Favorite ________ since __19_______" is not an acceptable reason to buy anything, considering that America isn't particularly known for her good taste.

5. Fuck irony and where's the TheraFlu?

6. Diamonds are the most socially irresponsible gemstone you can buy and what better time to economically rape Africa than the occasion of your Savior's birth?

7. Nobody likes Sara Lee... she's fattening, overpriced and tastes like plastic.

8. You know those Christmas lights that are supposed to look like icicles? They don't: they look like your roof had one too many hot toddies at the company party and barfed on itself. All your houses look exactly the same, and for fuckssake...this is TEXAS.

9. Pope Benedict XVI frightens me. there is no way that man is infallible. He looks like Karen Black from the Trilogy of Terror. Those teeth...

10. Twisted Sister and Billy Idol both released Christmas albums this year. because the holidays aren't horrifying enough without the man who sang the ultra-creepy "[Rock The] Cradle of Love" now attempting to entertain your children with his original and destined-to-be-a-classic "Yellin' At The Christmas Tree", (which includes the line, "...He's Yellin' At The Christmas Tree, and Santa's Balls Are Jingling".) Nice. Reeeal nice.

And a day later...

I'm still upset at myself, and am praying for forgiveness.

I need to learn to take the advice I've so often given other people in the past...this page kind of sums it up.

http://www.singlesonthego.com/divorce_recovery/

The Humblest of Apologies (because I am a shithead)...

It’s hard not to be jaded, and it’s hard not to be upset, and it’s very easy to forget the rest of the world and the people who care for you when you’re so stupid that you get so wrapped up in yourself and forget those who DO care about you.

I am speaking of my friends, two of whom are VERY irreplaceable people in my life, and whom I have hurt in the past 24 hours with my raving divorce bullshit.

Words cannot express how deeply sorry and upset I am that all my ranting and bellyaching and fucking crap has harmed you. There’s only so much a friend can take, and I’ve pushed you both over the edge, and I’m not just sorry, I’m wishing I could just have had the foresight to keep my idiot mouth shut, and take back what I said.

I’m a miserable shit, and I throw myself at your mercy, which I don’t deserve, and beg you to forgive me. I’m nothing but a whiny assed loser right now.

But I need you – both of you – and though the current pain in my life is bad, it hurts worse to be shut out by you.

Please... I’m very sorry, I’m not myself right now, and I pathetically and humbly ask you to forgive me. I thank you for every kindness you’ve shown me at this time in my life, and want you to know you are loved and appreciated beyond words…I cherish you and don’t want to lose you, ever.

I have no excuse for my actions. I am ready to learn from it and move forward, but I’d rather move on with both of you still my deeply caring friends rather than not in my life at all…that I couldn’t take. Please forgive my blindness in not being able to see that I was constantly dragging you down with me and moronically and selfishly didn’t think once to show you just how much I appreciated every single thing you've done for me.

I’m going to go now and reflect upon what I have done, and what I can do to make things better. Please don’t hate me forever.

To Love And To (not) Cherish...

Sometimes there’s a point to writing about this kind of stuff, sometimes there’s not. I’m not sure which is, but I felt the need to put my fingers to the keyboard at some point...I think I just needed to make sure my brain was no longer in its scrambled egg state first.

My wife of 4 years left me about three weeks ago.

She did it out of the blue. Gone for two hours one Sunday morning, scaring the shit out of me, then bam…she walked in the door of our apartment, and announced she was filing for divorce.

At first I was shocked, beyond belief. I knew we had had problems, but her words and body language simply said to me that she was stressed out, but that we didn’t have that many problems (nothing any sensible person would consider beyond the scope of a normal marriage), and I thought we had settled into things comfortably at least 1.5 years ago.

We’ve been more than civil to one another, and the legal matters are all being agreed upon, neither of us is going to contest anything, so that part of it is good.

There are other parts of it that I’m dealing with that are not so good.

I go back and forth with my emotions, and I have a funny feeling that I will be that way for awhile. Some days I can’t stand it and want her back, and my former life back, some days I’m perfectly content with my new freedoms and privileges as basically a single person once again.

The times I miss her, I just feel…I don’t know… not scared like I was with my first wife… confused? Confused that she’s gone and there’s not a single plausible reason she dumped me, other than she’s just not the kind of person that can stay married to someone. The most confusing thing is she said she loves me no less than she ever has…but that she just can’t stay married. She didn’t leave me for anyone else, I’ve confirmed that beyond the shadow of any reasonable doubt. She truly wants to be alone. But even THAT part I don’t understand.

There are many questions and things I desire to obtain answers on that I have accepted will likely never be resolved, I learned this from my first marriage. If I had cheated on her, beat her, turned gay, etc., I would have understood. This I don’t fully understand. I guess I didn’t help with the laundry enough, maybe?

And that brings me to an important revelation I’ve had in the last few weeks. No matter how concrete your commitment may be to one another in the beginning, people just don’t think this through, especially on their first marriage. I was very sure with her. I still was the day she dropped the bomb on me. But seriously, no one thinks this shit through in this day and age, and as a result, you have a society where it’s okay to get divorced at the drop of a hat. To hell with working things out, to hell with compromise and talking it through to resolution before filing, you can just walk right on out of someone’s life like a coward.

Sad, really, that no one truly knows how they’re going to feel once they’re there. This is something most people don’t really take into consideration before tying the knot with a significant other. Make sure you’re sure, of course there will be a great many things you won’t know about this person until later on in terms of compatibility, maybe you might not even like marriage itself, but Christ…my point is, people fail to recognize this kind of foreshadowing is important until it’s too late. So what’s the answer? Walk out of a person’s life.

I searched long and hard for my 2nd wife. Having been burned the first time, I needed someone compatible with both myself and my son, respectful of the fact that I keep ties to his mother for his sake, respectful that I’m close to my family, and just generally respectful of my needs and wishes…

…isn’t it funny, though, how as married persons, we are rarely loved as unconditionally by our spouses as they love their family and friends? Even if they claim you’re their best friend…it’s usually a load of crap, or they just don’t know what they’re talking about. My parents, for all their faults, both individually, and with each other, love each other unconditionally. They yell at each other, they bitch and piss and moan, but if something important goes on (like my mother’s back injury), they come together as a team and one becomes a pillar of incredible strength for the other. I have always been raised to believe that this is how it should be.

And I am humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief, for my son’s sake and for the sake of the way they raised me…embarrassed that I again had to tell them that I’ve been dumped, this time, like a bag of trash, and for no good reason. Their sticking it out over long years of turmoil, struggling with money, and a kid a little too bright for his own good did teach me one thing. Cliché’d as it may sound, and I’ve heard it from a lot of friends lately, you DON’T walk out on a fucking marriage…even if all avenues of working it out are exhausted, you Just. Don’t. Do. It. (though in my case, nowhere NEAR any avenues were exhausted). As prideful and dramatic as I can be when I get hurt or worry, I also have a hell of a lot of forgiveness in myself, IF things can be worked out, and the other person is willing to try. I don’t believe in walking away from anyone I care about, no matter how ugly or angry I become with that person. I could even forgive infidelity….come to think of it, I did forgive it, when my first wife and I attempted reconciliation (now, I know not everyone can do that, and if you can’t personally, I won’t fault you for it…I’m just saying if I love someone enough, infidelity is small potatoes compared to divorce).

I don’t know, I personally don’t feel that marriage is a viable thing these days unless you plan on having kids. It’s otherwise pointless.

All marriages start off good. And all marriages reach a level of comfortableness later on, where less has to be said, and love becomes something more that you do rather than what you feel. It’s a natural evolution of getting to know anyone. Sooner or later, things may get monotonous…you may get in a rut…I can promise you it’s very likely that those things won’t last forever.

I really tried to talk to her, to get out of her what’s been bothering her the last few months. She lied and wouldn’t talk to me because she had already planned to walk away from me. I can’t say I didn’t try.

I’ve had incredible support from my friends and family this time around. It’s hard, though, to wonder what’s going to happen to me now. As much as people don’t want to admit to this, being divorced twice makes you far less desireable than just once, except to other people who have been married and have crappy emotional baggage that you yourself don’t need any more of. Right now, I’m also in a very I-hate-women phase, and plan once my divorce is final only to date people (IF even that), but I do recognize my outlook may change later, I just don’t know yet. It’s too soon to tell. But I feel some of this change in me, and my trust of people in general being hurt even more than it was before – is somewhat permanent.

I also learned from my apparent support from my friends and family that three of my friends, including my first wife, have all had introspective conversations with their own spouses, and re-evaluated their own marriages, saying that they’ll talk it over if their marriage ever reached that level.

I wish that for all three of you if it comes to that point. I really do.

And this is perhaps why I’m writing this. If you’re in a relationship, and you really love this person unconditionally, and you think you might not be talking to them enough, gauging them out, how they’re feeling lately…DO it. Life is full of enough pain without this in it as well…divorce. My 9 year old son thinks this entire thing is stupid and my wife and I should never have come to this. His first question was simply: “WHO started it?”

But I’m serious. If you love someone in a marriage, engagement, etc., talk to them. Tell them how you feel…remind them you love them and you never want to lose them. These kinds of things are more important than you will ever believe, and they are very simple to do.

For a solid week, I was in denial. Bad dream, it’ll just go away, etc, etc. I’m finally beginning to accept that it’s over. I’ve been strong most of the time. But those rare moments when I succumb to weakness and cry, it just sucks.

I have to mention something completely unrelated here…

Once upon a time, about a year after I physically separated from my wife, in the fall of 1999, I met a wonderful person who did love me unconditionally. I really screwed her over, and I believe that my karma is now paid in full for what I did to her. I at last understand what she went through. She was an amazing person, a stellar lover, and more than that…she was my best friend, and my #1 fan. It’s rare to be worshipped like that. I will probably never get to talk to her again, and tell her what I learned from all this, but if I could say what I feel in my heart, I’d simply say…. Heather, I now know what I put you through, and I was a fool for letting you go…I’m only sorry our paths in life did not intersect at a point where I was ready for you emotionally.

Life is good, overall. But love the one you’re with…storms always pass… never lose sight of why you love someone, and why you remain by their side. Celebrate your love from time to time. And celebrate ALL your memories together, good and bad…block nothing out, forget nothing, and unconditionally love your significant other like they were the only person left on earth for you…because they probably are.

And to all you flakes who might be reading this … the ones who would walk out of a relationship without just cause just because you can, and if the time comes where they begin to bore you, and you plan to do it anyway, I have a message for you as well…

FUCK. YOU. you. homewrecking. pieces. of shit.

I better stop, before I upset myself.

Peace.

Soccer?

Ok, I freely admit this idea came from the childhood memory of someone else's blog that I read.

It has been pointed out to me several times since childhood that I'm weird because I'm not really into sports. People are borderline offended by it.

No, I'm not about to rip those people a new one. However...

When I was a little kid, little league sports were very much there as they are today. With only one major difference...today, the Mighty Ducks attitude is a little more commonplace on sports teams.

In my day, the Bad News Bears mentality was alive and well. Kids were more openly cruel about their competitiveness.

First off, I wasn't raised to like sports. I don't know if my DNA is simply lacking the sports genome, but it's one of the few things I don't mind admitting I have in common with my father. Sports games were rarely on our television, even before we had cable or satellite, even when it was THE thing to watch. That's probably why I spent half my childhood building model trains and cars in my bedroom until I discovered music.

Anyway...as a disclaimer, I did enjoy a baseball game anytime I was taken. Mom's doing. But I enjoyed the environment in old Arlington stadium more than the game itself.

My physical reaction times when playing sports were never good, but I encountered the Bad News Bears attitude just as early as 1st grade. I had a gym class just like everyone else. I hated it. Why? Because people played to win, viciously. Everything we did in there was a pissing contest to the power of Merlin, and if you were the one that cost them a score point, they would be up, in your face, threatening to mob-kick your ass. The few times I enjoyed things were the instances when we did archery or something along those lines.

In school, the coach used to play this cruel little game where he'd call out names and divide the class in half, but he always left me for last. He'd look at me and say "Take your pick." Thirty people, divided into groups of 15 would stare at me like "Don't you DARE!", and then I'd have to do some insipid eeny-meeny-miney-moe, in the hopes that their inane little minds would grasp that even I wanted to leave it up to chance; I didnt want to be on a team that didn't want me.

Random fate chose me for one side of the other, then I'd get the groans and moans from the team that I walked towards. My lack of confidence no doubt was spurred on even further by people like that.

When I was 10, my cousin was on a soccer team. We went to his games because his father -- my Dad's brother -- coached the team, very opposite man to my dad...charismatic, sports fan, good at coralling the kids. I became so enticed by the fact that my cousin's team was winning that year and going to the championships.

He was in the '8 year olds' team. My next door neighbor (who was my age) and I joined the '10 year olds team' the next year. Somehow my friend next door had gotten it into his head that he was going to have a trophy on his shelf. Delusions of grandeur, you see. So I got that idea too.

We were the worst team in the league. Not because of me, just because we were, collectively. But I was still beheld as the worst player, of course, who happened to be IN the worst team in the league. I played the position of full back, protection of the goalie. We lost every game but one, and in that game, I sat on the bench. Made me feel really good. Dad's brother didn't coach our team, either, some half-drunk jerk-off asshole friend of Dad's brother coached the 10-year-olds.

I couldn't help it sometimes, as a full back you had a lot of downtime...waiting for the game to come to that side of the field was boring. My attention span would wander off, next thing I knew, people were in my face with the ball and I'd have to refocus.

And of course, the kids on that team were just as cruel as the kids in the school gym. Once I tried at a team meeting (with parents present) to say jokingly that we could be "Good at being the losing team", and I swear I thought I was going to be murdered at that moment. I told my parents I wanted out, of course they would have none of it, since they paid for the season. I don't understand it, it was a mistake, I wanted to be gone, and they [the team] wanted me to be gone, my Dad didn't want to take me to games I didn't want to play, it would have been a clear cut case of mutual consent. But Dad was determined to make me miserable...perhaps he had a masochistic streak that enjoyed watching me lose...anyway...the season finally ended and I was free. It goes without saying I never did that again.

Well, that's my experience in sports. I think I hated it because it is just human nature that people are just too cruel to each other when they start playing it. I still do sheepishly admit that I enjoy a good baseball game if I'm physically there, and at my age, I enjoy the game more than the atmosphere, but such outages are very few and far between (maybe once every few years).

So now you know, why I don't have a flavor for sports. Except the Bad News Bears. They rock. :P

Tanner: "Hey Yankees! You can take your apology, and your trophy and SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS!"

Amen.

To People Who Are Miserable ***** In The Morning...

This blog is a full, wide-open, no-holds-barred rant, aimed at those who -- for whatever reason -- seem to not realize the value of a good night's sleep, yet feel special enough to take it out on others.

I don't care who you are, you can SOD the fuck off.

Most of us call you in the morning, trying to be as cheery as possible, because we know we're dealing with grogginess. Answering a phone half-asleep is one thing...tearing those of us new assholes because we called is NOT good common practice.

You know what? Maybe I should call you over and over and over. Perhaps that will jar your memory that I am supposedly someone you care about.

And it isn't just phone calls, I live with someone who lives for having a bad attitude in the morning.

I say to you who act this way, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Life is DIFFICULT ENOUGH without being a bitch/asshole to your loved ones early in the morning...let me spell it out for you even more clearly...

YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BEHAVE LIKE A SHITASS JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE JUST WOKEN UP.

If you are ill, that is different, you feel that way all day, so I know you're not faking it. But if you are just risen from bed, that's your own godamn problem.

It's very simple. Go to bed earlier if you can't deal wih getting up in the morning.

Maybe I should start warning new friends ahead of time -- "I am an early morning riser, typically. If you have a bad attitude when you get up, do me a favor...go crawl in a fucking hole somewhere, because I don't want to see you, hear you, even feel your presence near me."

Even those of us who NORMALLY get a decent night's rest, who occassionally come in a little tired, know NOT to be shitty to others, and we go out of our way to at least FAKE niceness in the morning. You don't grasp that.

No one likes unnecessary rudeness...and you people who show it early in the morning make it just that much worse for the rest of us...you really do...you add misery to a fucking day, whether it be at work, at home, over the phone, whatever. Making the rest of us suffer because you don't seem to grasp the concept that going to bed 2 hours before you have to go to work/get out of bed is generally a BAD idea for most human beings. Oh, and saying "Man, sorry about that, I just wasn't awake...I only had 3 hours of sleep last night" like you are proud of it is NOT acceptable, either.

Thank you for adding your crap to the gene pool...you people are really something special.

Piss off. I mean that, sincerely.

I Hate This City...

...I hate just about everything about it. Once upon a time, I had very few reasons to actually hate it. Now I can't stand leaving my house. Traffic is the first thing that gets me fired up, and is 5 times out of 10, usually the last thing too.

Twin-cities, ever-expanding into a yuppie hell, while the cores of the cities rot further.

I've tried to look within myself, since I was born here...and find my old 'pride' in this place...it's really not there anymore. No amount of local history makes any real difference. I can't understand how or why anyone who moved here from up North can stand this place, much less actually admit they like it. I can't wait to leave it...to find some podunk town to settle down in...in peace and quiet...away from the abnormal congestion of life.

I don't necessarily need a big house or a 5-acre estate. You can have those things in the city and still deal with the hassle of feeling like you're in a sardine can. No...I just need distance.

Put another way, I think I understand why Obi-Wan Kenobi lived out in the Dune Sea...and it had NOTHING to do with watching over Luke or hiding his Force-signature from Darth Vader...

A Fine Line...

I find it funny (and I do not mean that in a good way) how people care a great deal about the disabled. But if you're halfway there, in a kind of 'grey' area, they couldn't give two shits. You're just a whiner.

There seems to be an extremely fine line between 'disabled' and 'semi-disabled'.

I consider myself semi-disabled. You would not know it by watching me move around. I'm just damned good at hiding it for fear of embarrassment.

Every single fucking day of my life, I live with pain. My doctors (and yes, I've tried many at this point), either have the pass-the-buck attitude, or they have the attitude my place of employment has -- deal with it.

Two years ago, almost to the date, I suffered a crippling back injury that almost left my paralyzed. I went through therapy like I was supposed to, endured a 7 month wait before SOMEONE would give me an answer as to how I was progressing. Finally, at the end of 7 months, a neuro-surgeon told me I was 'healed' and brushed me off. I guess the fact that I'm not in a wheelchair discredits me. Now, before you dismiss this as a 'oh God, another whiner', hear me out, you fuckers.

I don't ask for the pain God has apparently bestowed upon me. When I get to work, I can either suffer in a pile of my own sweat all day (and be less productive than I could be, and draw the attention of others that don't know me very well), or I can take the lovely pain pills I've been given by my one of my doctors and stay gorked all day long (and be less productive than I could be). I dislike either of those choices. And people have/do already make fun of me for having a big obnoxiously loud turbine fan at my desk, which stays on constantly to keep the sweat off of me and from keeping the very same fun-pokers from having to whine about how much I stink.

Some mornings, I wake up feeling like I've been run over by a car or a train. That's the only way I can describe it. At least one day a week I roll out of bed, trying not to yell out in pain and wake my wife up. At least one day a week I think about calling into work because of it. The pain is the most blinding in the morning. I take plenty of vitamins and potassium, and I still get charlie horses in my legs about every other night, so if I get those, that gives my day a lovely head-start with uber-sore muscles. I don't have as good control over my bladder as I used to...I can't go more than an hour without having to take a leak now. Sometimes less than that. Some days my legs just hurt for no godamn reason...those days I sweat the most. And let us not forget/discount the back itself...some days I just can't sit still very long, I have to get up and move. And of course, I can't stand up very long/walk around very long, too. Boils down to -- can't stay in any permanent position for too long.

When I'm walking back to my desk, or just around the building in general, people smile at me and say hello. The best I can get out is a whispered "Hi" or "Hey", because I'm so out of breath from walking and in so much pain that's all I can muster. Having seen this once or twice, the office manager called me on the phone one day after I had called to tell her that something was wrong with a door on the building and asked me if anything was wrong, but I'm sure she was being quite cynical in her approach to me.

And I am having an extremely difficult time losing weight because I can't walk or ride an exercise bike longer than 15 minutes before my legs get weak and give out. You have NO idea what it's like feeling that sensation. I'm not talking about muscular strain, I'm talking about losing the POWER to move your fucking legs.

Due to the overall nature of my personality, it appears to me that some people think I'm making half this shit up and/or just whining about it. I'm literally this close to telling everyone to fuck off, whether they believe me or not.

To those people, I have this to say to you. YOU experience a severely herniated L5/S1 disc, deal with the initial pain from that, deal with the months of pain that follow, and the permanent problems it leaves you in physically afterwards, plus deal with how it ruins your overall life. Then see if you fare better than me.

When I was jobless, a certain parent of mine kept bitching me out for not having a job. I tried, in as serious a tone as I could, explain to him that I don't have certain basic motor functionality that most people take for granted these days, therefore I couldn't go for the jobs he was suggesting (retail, restaurant). His response was typical, telling me to 'cut the shit'. I'm literally at a point where I just want to strangle people like this. I don't know what it is I have done to make people treat me so disrespectfully when it comes to my limitations, but I do know I've HAD it with being called a liar.

My in-laws are no better. Another certain somebody on that side is bound and determined that I was healed after no more than a month of being injured (at which point I could not walk without the aid of a cane), but she like others seems to think that I'm just conniving and want attention.

The sad thing about all this is...I can't do anything about this anymore. Even if it could be proven that I need a discectomy, neither my wife's nor my crappy health insurance at work would pay for it (and yes, I've checked into it, for those who would call me out on not doing that).
Even if by some miracle I could get the surgery, it wouldn't bring back the permanently lost nerve conduction in my legs...nor would it allow me to lose weight. And to the doubters, you need to realize the weight gain WAS due to the fault of the long-term effects of the injury.

I know my new boss at work has been watching me, when I get up from my desk. Yes, I do go smoke, but I'm trying to quit smoking...the primary point of getting up is to go walk, to try and keep my legs working, and to get myself OUT of pain, 9 times out of 10...and I will continue to do so even after I quit smoking. And of course, to go to the bathroom. My eyes roll at the very thought of eventually being pulled aside and having to explain it to him, only to have him likely respond in the same way most people have responded to me in the past. Sooner or later, this guy's going to do it.

I don't know what the point is of this. I'm not seeking attention, not this time. No, this time I am venting, plain and simple. I want the opportunities to better my condition and my situation, but I'm not going to get it. I am not giving up seeking additional therapy or medical treatment for this, but the doubters in my life either don't think I need it, or don't care. Those are the lovely people this post is dedicated to.

Personally, I think it's only a matter of years, maybe ten or twenty, before I end up in a wheelchair permanently. Maybe at that time I will be treated with a little more respect by the doubters in my life.

Noobs......

I hate noobs at work. The procedure for training them has classically (due to reasons beyond anyone's control) NOT changed.

They sit behind you, constantly, watching your every move. You can't even so much as occassionally joke with your boss over IM. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. :P

This one particular noob my boss is going to find out is quite the pushy type. He's been all over me and the other techs on my team for a 'shot' at learning by doing. Which is fine, for the most part, the nature of our work also dictates that one can only learn the real 'meat' of the job by doing. Telling them how to do it never serves half as well as actual experience.

There's a little problem with that, aside from our network being very secure, and our computers being our own. We, on the team, don't have time to let them screw around on our computers for hours. Used to be, we'd send them to someone else's box and they'de do it there. That's what I did. But we don't have stray computers floating around right now. So the situation is moving into a level of uncomfortableness for both us and the noobs that's about to make me want to yank every hair out of my head. There isn't much that management can do, so I don't blame them.

But back to this one noob. He's very pushy (and probably a little paranoid), basically wants someone to 'give' him his/her computer, and doesn't quite grasp the hint that we also have a job to do. I think in the end (once IT give them their own boxes), things will be fine, but I have been unable to stay relaxed and unstressed at work as a result of all this. If I can just get my blood pressure back down, things will be okay.

Friendship Follies

Hmmm, what to say this week.

Oh, I know.

Do you ever find it funny how people whose lives are just so fucking peachy tend to be holier-than-thou about it when preaching to you about how to live your life and 'get over' your own problems?

I call these people 'ivory tower' people. They're so ready to judge you because golly gee whooptie dingle fuck, they've suddenly achieved something in their own life that you haven't... so as an 'intended' gesture of 'kindness', they begin rambling to you about how 'wrong' you are in your thinking and in living your life. Buy a car, a house, have a kid or two, and all of a sudden you too can be a judge.

It isn't as if you ever solicit these opinions from the ivory tower types, of course. Sometimes you may even be envious of what they have, but it is just a passing emotion. Most of the time you want people to just listen to you. But no, if they have it better than you, they feel the need to be PH.D.'s in fucking psychology. Oh, and if they're fundamentalist Xtians, you get an even bigger bonus of preaching. All of it is tantamount to telling you how to live your life.

But here's what gets me. It's when your own path in life may differ radically from their own, and their advice may indeed NOT be the answer you're searching for. Human nature and common sense tends to dictate that if we ever feel friendly advice is a good idea or not, so we either do it or do not. But back to the real barn-burner -- the ivory tower folks get SO upset if you either turn away their advice, say to them "I appreciate the advice, but I don't think I can do that", etc. It's suddenly their way or the highway, since they've taken the time to listen to you they think they suddenly own a piece of your godamn life and want you to abide by their rules. This is not the hallmark of a good friend, and that is dumbing it down as politely as possible.

Another good example of a personality like the one I am describing above -- you've probably known at least one friend like this in your lifetime, or known of one -- someone who goes on a major diet and suddenly loses a LOT of weight (50 pounds or greater), then they become the most annoying, pompous, self-righteous people you know.

I guess it goes back to one of my old addages -- which even though I made it up myself, is probably not original, it's common sense -- "There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance."

One of my closest friends tends to just listen, then say, "I'm sorry" or "I wish I knew what to tell you". Most ivory tower people do not understand that something along the lines of those two statements is usually more than enough.

No one can live my life for me. I do have my share of problems, but ... most of the time it's just comforting for someone else to listen, and hear me out. Nothing more. They can't absolve me from debt, improve my marriage, send me back to school or anything else. Only I can do that to my satisfaction.

If I ever forget where I came from, or those less fortunate than me in being judgmental of those who don't have it in life as good as I do in the future, I will simply just ask someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Today's Pet Peeve

From my old blog, a bit of ranting that I feel needs repeating...

In the spirit of Foamy the Squirrel, the cuffs are off.

I was reading an article recently about one of my favorite anime programs being attacked by a 'Soccer Mom'. I'm not even going to bother explaining what a 'Soccer Mom' is. It's become infamous among anime fans, boiling blood instantly at the mere mention of it.

The 'review' this person apparently graced us with was about Gainax Ltd. Production, FLCL.

The 'review' was nothing short of an all-out flame.

Ughhh...I don't even know if I can get through this without typing a bunch of gibberish. But I will trod on as best I can, and try to make my point.

I'm not going to make justifications for myself as an anime fan anymore than someone who reads comic books incessantly. Or someone who watches ER religiously. Or someone who buys the Harry Potter books at midnight on the day that they are released.

I like Anime. Get over it. If you don't, then that's fine. But you know what? You don't have to watch it.

These 'Moms' who have so much apparent time to whine on the internet about things like this really need to get a life. Or, how about doing their jobs as full-time parents? I can't imagine most of them being more than housewives. And before you go spouting, "Oh you don't know what it's like, you're obviously not a p-", I want you to hear my one single word in response to that rubbish.

STOP.

First of all, I AM a full time parent. So stow that line of crap for somebody else.

The anime industry is unfortunately huge, and the more popular something becomes, the more it is prone to attacks by people who don't understand it. It seems the societal norm these days to attack what one does not understand or does not want to understand.

This norm of attacking something popular is never going to end. To the fans of FLCL and most mainstream anime, I say to you, ignore this woman. Anime is too big an industry, benefiting both American and Japanese entertainment industries, and it makes a lot of money. As long as it's profitable, Americans will consume it.

True, there are animes I have seen that have no intrinsic volume that are geared more towards kids. I don't watch those out of principle. I also why away greatly from any 'Hentai'. FLCL is neither. It's right there in the 'middle'. And it's a great show, no matter what you 'concerned Moms' out there think.

I would be willing to wager this soccer mom fits the classic bill of a parent. All spoiling and no discipline in her child's life...not wanting to accept responsibility. I blame this on psychologists of one and two decades ago, who said it's morally unjust to spank a child. Granted NOT all children need it, but at the same time, every child is different.

This doesn't boil down to an anime, folks. Anime is but one facet of popular media that is being attacked.

What this boils down to...is lazy parents. Parents who will not take any of the blame for what their child does, but try to blame everyone else first. Anything their child does that they consider 'bad', they don't confront the child in full detail first...they start with the schools, television, you name it. Anything but the child itself. Oh, and the parent themselves are the last people they blame.

Meanwhile, while the parent searches for the 'cause' of the child's behavior, the child goes on to continue doing the things it ought'nt to be doing. Things like television continue to do the parents' babysitting.

Now, make no mistake here. With kidnappers, pedophiles and all kinds of other crazy people out there, children DO need protection by the elements of society that protect them from predators.

But, in the process of our nation becoming overly paranoid about the welfare of our children, we have forgotten something. Or rather, we have belittled something. And that is that children are more resilient and more intelligent than we give them credit for.

Parents don't want to talk to their kids about anything in the outside world that might be 'bad'. I hear it all the time from people. "How do I? My child heard a naughty word from another friend in school, how do I talk to them about it? I might say the wrong thing and they might investigate the source of the profane word anyway!"

Why are parents either too lazy or too paranoid to be more proactive in their childrens' lives? Two reasons: The first one I've already mentioned. Various forms of discipline are being done away with. Spanking is already gone. By your children's time from the date that I write this, spanking will be considered illegal. It is already frowned upon in public places, and kudos to those parents who feel their child needs a spanking in a public store. But you are fighting an uphill battle. The second reason is that previous generations of lazy parents already started the ball rolling to what we have today. It's so much easier to just let society take care of your child, while you reap only the positive benefits of being a parent. And I'm sorry, but cooking for them and cleaning up after them takes a back seat to taking a proactive role in their lives...from school, to home life, to what they do when they're old enough to go visit a friend's house on their own.

I once was in a Wal-Mart, looking for a copy of a Gameboy game my son had wanted for some time. Yes, my son is 8, and yes, I allow him to play video games. Get over it. I LIMIT his game time on an hourly basis. But back to my story. Next to me, I observed a hispanic male with a little boy of his own, but this child couldn't have been more than 4-6 years of age. This child was hopping up and down, excited about something behind that locked cabinet. The male, seemingly looking like he just wanted to take care of business and just get out of there (probably missing a Sunday football game for this, oh the horror), proceeded to call the video game attendant over. The copy of the game that was pulled out and handed to the waiting, excited child was Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Now, if this parent were truly responsible, which I doubt, he would likely have not allowed the child to have such a game. By the bored look on the parent's face, I would wager a guess he had no idea what the game was about. But who is responsible for this? It sure as hell isn't Rockstar's fault. It's the fault of the ignorant parent who had the Sales Associate hand this child the game. This is yet another example of the parental laziness I am talking about. Even the Sales Associate had a look on her poor face that read: "Oh GOD. WHY are you allowing this kid to play this game? Oh well, your business." Naturally, it is his business, and not mine. Or the Sales Associates. Nor anyone else's at Wal-Mart that day. But if this kid gets a bad impression from the game, will this guy go on and sue Wal-Mart or Rockstar for selling the game to him for his kid?

It's just this kind of apathetic idiocy that boggles the mind, and turns the stomach.

Other examples are more simple, really. Parents with kids at the checkout, who run all over the place, uncontrolled, trying their best to wage hell in a store by getting attention in the most animalistic ways. Knocking down display stands, harassing other customers also standing in line waiting to be checked out, even harassing the parent. The parent's typical response to this kind of inexcusable public behavior? They either pretend the child is doing nothing wrong, they get a look on their face as if they might, maybe, possibly should do something but don't...or ...they call out to the child to 'behave', and are completely ignored. But all of them, when they are at the checkout getting checked out, simply pretend the child isn't there while the transaction is taking place. And you can see in the eyes of everyone waiting in line ... the uncomfortable glares from the unfortunate souls who had to share a checkout line with this 'joy' of a child ...the restrained look on their faces. The need, the desire to say something to the idiot parent, but cannot. And then when parent and child depart, everyone behind them heaves a simultaneous sigh of relief.

As long as this kind of nonsense continues, our children are simply going to get worse and worse. Yet, a 'Soccer Mom' is complaining that programs like FLCL are a biiiig problem. Please.

I envision (laugh at it all you like, but based on what's going on in classrooms today, I believe it) a future where a parent is just sitting, in a living room, arms folded at his/her side, while the kids run roughshod ALL over the house, kicking things over, breaking things, completely in charge of the household, for all intents and purposes...doing this because the government strips away the power of a parent to discipline their kid.

My own son I don't spank. But I don't need to. Because I am proactive in his life. Because I talk to him. Because discipline is based upon when he does something wrong and I let him know he has disappointed me. That is his punishment. But gosh, will that be made illegal in the future too? Don't put it past extremist government lobbying groups.

I leave you on this blog with some more food for thought.

Remember when adults used to run this country?

Wednesday's Tribute

I think I'm gonna do a tribute to something that, good or bad, impacts me profoundly or has impacted me profoundly in the past. Or maybe even the future.

Today's tribute....

HEE HEE HEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.....*SNORT*

http://www.tvparty.com/lostgig.html

Whether you were in the mood to watch it or not, you watched it anyway.

You also watched it because there was usually nothing else on.

And you remember every single bit of it.....the puppets still give me nightmares. Especially Blob.

Sci Fi Quiz

You scored as Deep Space Nine (Star Trek). You have entered the dark side of the Star Trek universe. The paradise of Earth is far from you and you must survive despite having enemies on all fronts. But you wouldn�t have it any other way because you thrive in conflict and will know what needs to be done to take care of those around you. Now if only the Founders would quit trying to take over the galaxy. Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 81% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 69% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 69% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 63% Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 63% Serenity (Firefly) 63% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 56% SG-1 (Stargate) 56% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 50% Moya (Farscape) 50% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 50% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 44% Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com

In Tribute...

After a tumultuous first day at work (one of my sups I'm determined has it in for me)...

I come across this.

http://www.ksdsusa.com/tribute_to_our_grand_master_rich.htm

To you, this doesn't mean much.

To me, this is my Master.

Ten years ago, when my body was far less culled by hauling crap around for everyone and their grandmother (because they think big guys = strong), I was a student of the Kajukembo martial arts defense class. Kajukembo -- though I will not bore you with miniscule details -- is a combined art of several well-known martial arts, developed in Hawaii in the 1930s by several masters of each art. My Master was trained under one of the founders directly.

This man was the key to it. Normally I'd turn away from this kind of discipline, but this man was someone I idolized. He was very benign and kind, almost fatherly...until you stepped onto the mat for a day of training.

I don't speak of this man much, because I am ashamed to admit that I fell out of favor with his class due to a problem with one of my friends who was also attending. In short, they paired us up to spar, and my friend, being cocky and competitive, took a couple of roundhouse shots at my eye. I had to hold myself back and was no longer fighting in proper form...I wanted to kick his ass from here to hell during that incident. But much like a Jedi, we were taught never to hate during a fight.

Anyway back to my Master. Richard was an 8th degree black belt. VERY few people in the world held a rank higher than he did that were still actively teaching at the time. He was so kind, he would let anyone in his class who wished to learn, yet his classes were small...which gave a family-kind of atmosphere. He had females in his class as well as males. And he always preached quality over quantity, and he NEVER emphasised getting to your next belt, just learning to be a more effective fighter.

I can't say I knew him as well as others, but I definitely knew him long enough to know that he was the kind of person you only read about or see in some cheesy martial arts movie, only he's the real thing. You look at a man like him demonstrate with his cobra-fast hands, and you see so much knowledge you want to just sap up like a sponge.

But through it all, he was just a kind man. I was on this website reading about how he had been promoted to Grand Master. I was so excited to see that, so honored to know I had been trained by him......then I clicked on the link above.......and went into total shock for several hours.....

You will be missed very much. I only wish I could have said goodbye.

May your soul rest in peace, Sijo.

Let's Do Lunch

Have any of you ever had the joy of being treated lunch? Maybe it's my geriatric age catching up with me... but if I go through the trouble of buying lunch, I pick a place that I know I can afford if someone orders the most expensive thing on the menu, or orders a lot of a bunch of little things.

Some people like to enjoy every aspect of the food when they eat out. I'm one of those people, so I can't fault people for it. Everything from salads to appetizers to the main dish to dessert...hell, I don't bother with a full service restaurant if I'm not going to enjoy it.

But the very people who don't enjoy the experience of eating out seem to be the same people that always buy you lunch, or dinner. And what's worse is it's usually in a situation where you have to act like you appreciate their hospitality, whether you really do or don't care either way.

I've had this happen to me many times in the past. One such occassion was a particular deposition company I used to work with, with my ex-wife. We always went to this same little hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint up the street from where we worked in Northwestern Garland. Not too shabby for cheap mexican food and full service. But because of what she did during these lunches always made me want to rethink doing it, or offering to pay for our own, which I could never do, as it would look like an insult. And we couldn't go anywhere else, this was our monthly work status-of-the-Mom-and-Pop-company meeting, so we had to act like team players.

Naturally, the owner would take her sweet time, as well as her two buddies that helped her run the company, and by the time we all finally got out of the damn office it was at least 1p.m. in the afternoon. By this point, well, you get the idea. It's been awhile since breakfast. If you're talking mexican, I'm drooling for friggin fajitas. Yes, one of the more expensive mexican food items. The kind of dish that's brought to you sizzling in the very mini-skillet it's cooked in.

What's the first thing she does when we all sit down? She flips the menu over, and proceeds with her little 'warning' speech.

"Oh, the lunch specials look really good."

God. Damnit.

Why do people do this? I don't know why I find it so offensive, as I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my own tab if I want something better than what she's willing to spend. But, I learned with her, the hard way, you just don't bring it up. People just get petered out if you screw with their hospitality and reject it. I find it ridiculous. So, I learned to live with it, grudgingly, and just tank up on corn chips as much as I could, and wait for my wholly unsatisfying one-enchilada plate to be brought to me.

We didn't always go to the mexican joint, either. Our 'holiday' lunch that year we went to Red Lobster, and after being screwed over and waiting an hour after our order got lost in the kitchen and getting the food for free, I found it ironic that she pulled that little warning speech about the lunch specials out of her ass.

Moving forward to today, there are still people that do this to me. My obnoxiously liberal grandmother-in-law is another person. Considering the fuss this woman makes over dinner when she cooks it at home, and the fuss she makes over whether or not you got enough to eat at her house, one would think she would have the same attitude whenever she invites my wife and I to eat at some semi-decent joint (like Red Lobster again).

Nope. Same nonsense. Only I'm not told this time, not in any direct way. But, I'm also a little better at this game than I used to be. I wait for everyone else to decide what they want, so I keep things firmly in the same price range, or below it.

What do I WANT from the menu, you may ask? Usually, the Ultimate Feast is good enough, I go for the plates that have enough food on them to where you leave stuffed and have leftover, and that have a lot of food for as much value as possible.

But instead, I get this crappy hand-sized hunk of fish with some slimy lobster sauce slathered on top of it instead of the damned lobster tail that I wanted. Again, can't say anything. Don't want to impede upon the meal-giver's hospitality.

When I was growing up, Mom would always let me get whatever I wanted. She was never picky about what I ate, and that's what made eating out fun. Order what you want. But Mom knew better than to take me to a place like Red Lobster (which was a LOT more expensive proportionally when I was a kid), she took me to places that she knew she could afford anything on the menu.

People just get so freaked out if you're the person who orders the 11.95 item on the menu when everyone else is ordering the 9.95 item(s). Why? You want the extra 2 bucks for it? Here, I'll pay you right now, SHEESH. Christ.......can I bitch at you if I take you out? Ironically, people like this don't want you to buy them lunch or dinner, probably so they can hold it over your head later in life that a.) you made a 'pig' out of yourself everytime you went to and b.) you never bought them lunch/dinner.

And the two above mentioned ladies (ex-boss and grandmother-in-law) are not the only ones I have run into this situation with. I have been bought lunch by several other Food Nazis in similar situations, just not as regularly.

Bottom line...if you wanna do lunch, I'm always down with it. Just let me order my own if you're a douchebag with your money. There is NOTHING wrong with split checks, I've done that with friends all the damn time. Or, if you literally have a limited amount of money on you (i.e., we're going to Bennigan's and you say "I've only got 16 bucks to my name until...") , then just TELL me that. I don't like playing dance-around-the-menu games with your ass. When it's time to eat, it's time to eat. Eating is one of the few pleasures in life most of us can afford in this country. Let us order what we want, and STFU about the money, whether you're buying or not.

Inconceivable Food

I do not know why, but this guy cracks me the hell up.

Some of you know I'm a Japanese cultural freak (this is a new thing for me, within the past few years).

http://www.yongfook.com/category/food-reviews/

In a nutshell, he lives in Japan and is always looking for absolutely off-the-wall stuff at the grocery store to poke fun at. I think it's the eccentricity in his writing.