I'm Done...

I'm going back to Live Journal. I think I need change, anyway.

I've made this too dark a place for myself. Will it change in the long run over there? Likely not, considering who I am. But I have to try.

Another Execrable Day...

And more lyrics to sum it up.

Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
June

We'll try and ease the pain
But somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
Im rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream

And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years Im missing
All our time cant be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad

When I can, I will
Words defy the plan
When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Black the Sky...

More lyrics to sum up the day. Actually, I've been able to relate to these lyrics all my life:

Ok, so, it can't be right,
I cry and try and think and fight;
Ok, so, I need some help,
But they can't 'fix' the way I feel...

CHORUS

Just one day, just one second, maybe just a minute;
Feel no pain.
Oh, I walked the lie,
Black the sky,
Black the sky.


Ok, so, I don't think like you do,
It's not my fault.
Ok, I still try to find that fitting missing part.

CHORUS

Just one day, just one second, maybe just a minute;
Feel no pain.
Oh, I walked the lie,
Black the sky,
Black the sky.

Something keeps me hanging around,
I guess my mother made me strong.
Crawling through this jungle,
From this puzzle I come from.

CHORUS

Just one day, just one second, maybe just a minute;
Feel no pain.
Oh, I walked the lie,
Black the sky,
Black the sky.

The Whys of Life...

Why do we keep resisting things we fear? Why does the compulsion occur to resist that which we know could be good for us, but we keep on in our stubborn ways anyway?

I'm sorry, today I'm just feeling sad.

And wouldn't you know it, the perfect song just came on random shuffle...

If you believe in the power magic,
I can change your mind
And if you need to believe in someone,
Turn and look behind
When we were living in a dream world,
Clouds got in the way
We gave it up in a moment of madness
And threw it all away

Dont answer me, dont break the silence
Dont let me win
Dont answer me, stay on your island
Dont let me in

Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things weve said and done?

If you believe in the power of magic,
Its all a fantasy
So if you need to believe in someone,
Just pretend its me
It aint enough that we meet as strangers
I cant set you free
So will you turn your back forever on what you mean to me?

Dont answer me, dont break the silence
Dont let me win
Dont answer me, stay on your island
Dont let me in

Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things weve said and done?

And another...that just came to mind...

She broke down and let me in
Made me see where Ive been

Been down one time
Been down two times
Im never going back again

You dont know what it means to win
Come down and see me again

Been down one time
Been down two times
Im never going back again

I hate that we're pre-programmed as humans to fear being alone. It's all part of repopulating the planet.

I hate it so much. Because I'd be better off without it. Even the abnormal resistance to it that others have would be satisfactory for me. As I said in a previous entry, love is irrational. Highly irrational.

My closest friends would say they wished there was something they could do to convince me to feel differently. To those people, I'd say, it's not your fault.

Am I being vague enough as to what's wrong with me today? Good. I hope I am. I learned that from my closest friends as well.

Fuck. Days like this I'd wish for death if I didn't have a son.

I'm alone, but I'm not free of the grip of being with someone. So, I'm alone, but not free. And I passionately hate every lousy second of it.

I want to say more, I want to just blurt it out, but my kindness in thinking of the feelings for others before my own stops me. And certain person(s) might be reading this whom I don't wish to harm.

Selfless to the end. I'll take it to the grave with me. All my pain. My REAL pain. Think you know me? Even the closest to me only know parts of it. I hold it back constantly, because I don't want to a.) burden you with all of it and/or b.) be misunderstood. I don't think one person could take all of it.

And the one person ... nevermind. Fuck it. FUCK it.

I...have nothing more to say right now.

We Just Want to Keep On...

Well, today turned to shit. I guess I wished too hard for something to do.

My best friend from high school just phoned me to notify me one of his sisters, whom I know, passed away. One of his cousins was also killed in Afghanistan last week.

I hope someone is with him right now. I know no details of the death, other than a form of cancer, which I won't disclose here.

All I could do was dumbely ask the question, "What?? WHAT???" over and over again on the phone. Then that horrible silence sets in. It was an awful moment.

What can you say to someone you've known almost 20 years to something like that? "I'm sorry," just fucking sucks. I think I uttered a few, heartbroken things like "Fuck, man..." and "Holy shit..."

I feel horrible for him. And I have no way of getting to him to stand by him. I was there when his Dad passed away, but that was here. The funeral will probably be in California.

Anyway, the conversation ended because he was unable to speak at that point, and said, "I can't take anymore, I'll call you back", like he always does. He called back, but he was at an airport and kept breaking up. We were disconnected a second time.

I hope he's all right.

Seems that nothing's going right for the people I care about the most, right now.

*very long sigh*

I feel like crying. R.I.P., Julia.

"I Can't Complain, But Sometimes I Still Do..." --Joe Walsh

Rain falls on everyone. -- The Smashing Pumpkins

So, I'm sitting here, listening to the rain. To the thunder. That stupid song by Garth Brooks pops into my head.

I'm antsy today for some reason. Some reason, my ass. I know what my problems are. I think it's because I've little to preoccupy me at the moment. I scoured the job search engines, the newspaper. The rain is too much today and I can't waste gas driving around looking for a job due to the trip tomorrow. I played guitar (intensely, I almost ripped one of the callouses off my fingers) for a few hours.

As long as I've lived in Texas, you would think I'd be used to a thunderstorm by now. But I can't be. As soon as I think that, the fact that my son miraculously survived a direct hit by an F4 tornado this time last year is a serious reminder that all storms always pass, but they can get worse before they do. And I... shit, I could go into metaphor here for something else, but I shall not.

I'm writing right now for the sake of having something to do. All my online friends are busy or preoccupied. My grandmother is sleeping. I'm out of creative things I want to do. And it's funny how a thunderstorm stops me from doing anything else, as a sidenote. It stops me because it seems that, without fail, if I manage to find something to do, that one lightning strike will happen and the power will go out. No, that's an excuse. I just don't want to get up from my desk.

I'm working on writing songs again, though. Soon, once I get a job, I'll get the one piece of equipment I'm lacking to make the appropriate recordings again. For now, I have minor blurbs, fragments, pieces that I assemble into finished products later on, saved on an old 4-track cassette player.

Songs come to me at the oddest times. But the best ones over the years that have come to me, the most brilliantly original ones, come to me in an even odder state. They come to me when I'm in my bed, usually, and drifting into sleep. Halfway between awake and the dream-state. For the first time in my life, I actually had a song idea come to me into my head, and before I lost it, forced myself awake, forced myself out of bed, and went to the recorder, turned on the mic, got out my old D-150 acoustic, worked out the chords in a couple of seconds, hit record, then played it and hummed the primary melody to it.

I now have my audio recorder set up for situations like this so I don't have to hassle with hooking everything up. So many great song ideas lost over the years. Never again.

I'm going to call that last interviewer later today to see if I'm still in the running. I've decided that, as long as I'm not in school, that I shouldn't switch careers right now... but with that said, I'll TAKE what I can get, of course, I'm just saying I'm much more hopeful of continuing where I am, in the POS industry, until my college plans finish themselves.

I could register for the summer semester and apply for loans, but I know better. I have bills to pay. I have child support to keep paid. The loans I could definitely qualify for right now, but as long as I have other financial obligations, hell no. Once you start, you can't stop, or the loans default and you have to pay them back. I don't want to start taking out loans, if ever, until I have a stable job.

Will college pan out for me? Maybe, maybe not. I won't stop trying, because I've never stopped trying, which indicates a desire for me to finish. And it's something I have to do for myself. My idiotic ex-wife's grandmother was right about that one thing.

The time is nigh for many positive changes in my life. I'm glad my son will be here. He's my best source of personal strength right now. My closest and dearest friends after him. My family is too, as much as I've stated in this blog many times over that I don't get along with them. I want to disclaim a lot of those statements , especially about my father (i.e., the post "In the Name of the Father..."), because those posts were made to exorcise a lot of internal demons. In that amount of time, I've come to a lot of peace with myself about those things. There are a lot of things he has done. He's bailed me out of several financial issues surrounding both my divorces, when I didn't ask for it. He's never really expected repayment, although I've always paid him back. As much as can't be said between us, there's a lot said in other ways. A time is going to come where no matter where I am, I'll have to do my best to try and be a pillar of strength for those closest to him, and him (if he'll allow me), because sooner or later, he'll have to have open heart surgery to correct the minor artery blockage in his heart. As much as we've disagreed, we still wake up with the attitude the next day that we can make that day better than the previous one. We still watch TV together, still talk about anything mechanical, still do all the things we have done in the past that bonded us.

It's a strange thing, watching my parents grow old. It's a stranger thing, knowing how many years have passed, and realising that I've come of age. I'm in the position my parents were in when they were my age, and I was 10 years old, and just beginning to look up to them and many other adults as examples of what adulthood and maturity mean.

Life is good, overall, even though I'm in the situation I'm in. I don't expect to be unemployed much longer. Hell, I can't wait to be unemployed, in fact. I have a lot of crap I want to buy now, including a brand new laptop, and eventually get out of this place and to a more private, personal place I can call my home and space.

Now, if my car will just make it 168 miles and back with no trouble tomorrow... things will be much, much better.

2:57 p.m., VERY loud thunderclap.

Ok, I don't know what else to write about at this point. I think I'll go make something to eat. I haven't eaten much today but a banana, which was gross, because it was going kind of bad, but I picked the bad ends off of it and ate it anyway.

Wouldn't you know it...I just looked out my window, and saw a faint rainbow.

*sad smile* Yes. Life is generally good right now.

Please Do What You Say You're Going To Do...That's All I Ask.

Why, for the love of all that is holy, can my ex-wife not make a plan for our son and fucking stick with it?

For those not in the loop, I was supposed to drive to Oklahoma to pick him up tomorrow morning. Now she's postponed it another day, whining that she just got to Arkansas and wanted to spend another day with our son before she sent him off for the summer. Gods, she makes it sound like she's sending him to boot camp.

Whatever.

I caved, like I always do.

I also threw my cell phone across the room when I hung up with her. But I made SURE to talk to my son prior and make sure he understood (without leading him on) that he gets to see Daddy Thursday.

One reading this might be thinking, "It's only one more day, why so irrational?"

1. I used to see him every other weekend.
2. She has repeatedly postponed him coming over here.
3. I can't stand her with a fiery passion and how much apathy she's been showing him in the last several months of his life.

She's pushing me straight to the edge, and I'm going to lose the politesse long before he's old enough to make up his own mind legally who he can live with (which is in less than two years).

I'm out of patience. I have no more to give to her. I'm going to verbally tear her a new one without even thinking before the words spill out of me like a volcano that's been on the verge of erupting for several thousand years.

Even my parents, whom I expected to hit the roof at hearing this news, were not as angry as I am, and seemed taken aback at my rage.

Yes, I know it's just one more day.

But given everything else she's NOT done preceding this moment in time...

You get the idea.

What's Your Theme Song...(I don't agree with this, but here it is anyway)...

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

Another Stupid "What Kind of Goth Are You" Test....

You scored as Fantasy Goth. You are a Fantasy Goth. You may or may not actually be a goth, but "normal" folks see you as one of those weird kids, and you are probably considered a geek by quite a few. Click on my name to take my other tests if you liked this one. Fantasy Goth 92% Perky Goff 75% Old-school Goth 75% Anything-Goes Goth 71% Cyber-goth 71% Death Rocker 67% Romantic Goth 67% Ethereal Goth 63% Industrial/Rivet-Head 58% Understanding Outsider 42% Confused Outsider 29% What subcategory of Goth best fits you? created with QuizFarm.com