The Whys of Life...

Why do we keep resisting things we fear? Why does the compulsion occur to resist that which we know could be good for us, but we keep on in our stubborn ways anyway?

I'm sorry, today I'm just feeling sad.

And wouldn't you know it, the perfect song just came on random shuffle...

If you believe in the power magic,
I can change your mind
And if you need to believe in someone,
Turn and look behind
When we were living in a dream world,
Clouds got in the way
We gave it up in a moment of madness
And threw it all away

Dont answer me, dont break the silence
Dont let me win
Dont answer me, stay on your island
Dont let me in

Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things weve said and done?

If you believe in the power of magic,
Its all a fantasy
So if you need to believe in someone,
Just pretend its me
It aint enough that we meet as strangers
I cant set you free
So will you turn your back forever on what you mean to me?

Dont answer me, dont break the silence
Dont let me win
Dont answer me, stay on your island
Dont let me in

Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things weve said and done?

And another...that just came to mind...

She broke down and let me in
Made me see where Ive been

Been down one time
Been down two times
Im never going back again

You dont know what it means to win
Come down and see me again

Been down one time
Been down two times
Im never going back again

I hate that we're pre-programmed as humans to fear being alone. It's all part of repopulating the planet.

I hate it so much. Because I'd be better off without it. Even the abnormal resistance to it that others have would be satisfactory for me. As I said in a previous entry, love is irrational. Highly irrational.

My closest friends would say they wished there was something they could do to convince me to feel differently. To those people, I'd say, it's not your fault.

Am I being vague enough as to what's wrong with me today? Good. I hope I am. I learned that from my closest friends as well.

Fuck. Days like this I'd wish for death if I didn't have a son.

I'm alone, but I'm not free of the grip of being with someone. So, I'm alone, but not free. And I passionately hate every lousy second of it.

I want to say more, I want to just blurt it out, but my kindness in thinking of the feelings for others before my own stops me. And certain person(s) might be reading this whom I don't wish to harm.

Selfless to the end. I'll take it to the grave with me. All my pain. My REAL pain. Think you know me? Even the closest to me only know parts of it. I hold it back constantly, because I don't want to a.) burden you with all of it and/or b.) be misunderstood. I don't think one person could take all of it.

And the one person ... nevermind. Fuck it. FUCK it.

I...have nothing more to say right now.