"I Can't Complain, But Sometimes I Still Do..." --Joe Walsh

Rain falls on everyone. -- The Smashing Pumpkins

So, I'm sitting here, listening to the rain. To the thunder. That stupid song by Garth Brooks pops into my head.

I'm antsy today for some reason. Some reason, my ass. I know what my problems are. I think it's because I've little to preoccupy me at the moment. I scoured the job search engines, the newspaper. The rain is too much today and I can't waste gas driving around looking for a job due to the trip tomorrow. I played guitar (intensely, I almost ripped one of the callouses off my fingers) for a few hours.

As long as I've lived in Texas, you would think I'd be used to a thunderstorm by now. But I can't be. As soon as I think that, the fact that my son miraculously survived a direct hit by an F4 tornado this time last year is a serious reminder that all storms always pass, but they can get worse before they do. And I... shit, I could go into metaphor here for something else, but I shall not.

I'm writing right now for the sake of having something to do. All my online friends are busy or preoccupied. My grandmother is sleeping. I'm out of creative things I want to do. And it's funny how a thunderstorm stops me from doing anything else, as a sidenote. It stops me because it seems that, without fail, if I manage to find something to do, that one lightning strike will happen and the power will go out. No, that's an excuse. I just don't want to get up from my desk.

I'm working on writing songs again, though. Soon, once I get a job, I'll get the one piece of equipment I'm lacking to make the appropriate recordings again. For now, I have minor blurbs, fragments, pieces that I assemble into finished products later on, saved on an old 4-track cassette player.

Songs come to me at the oddest times. But the best ones over the years that have come to me, the most brilliantly original ones, come to me in an even odder state. They come to me when I'm in my bed, usually, and drifting into sleep. Halfway between awake and the dream-state. For the first time in my life, I actually had a song idea come to me into my head, and before I lost it, forced myself awake, forced myself out of bed, and went to the recorder, turned on the mic, got out my old D-150 acoustic, worked out the chords in a couple of seconds, hit record, then played it and hummed the primary melody to it.

I now have my audio recorder set up for situations like this so I don't have to hassle with hooking everything up. So many great song ideas lost over the years. Never again.

I'm going to call that last interviewer later today to see if I'm still in the running. I've decided that, as long as I'm not in school, that I shouldn't switch careers right now... but with that said, I'll TAKE what I can get, of course, I'm just saying I'm much more hopeful of continuing where I am, in the POS industry, until my college plans finish themselves.

I could register for the summer semester and apply for loans, but I know better. I have bills to pay. I have child support to keep paid. The loans I could definitely qualify for right now, but as long as I have other financial obligations, hell no. Once you start, you can't stop, or the loans default and you have to pay them back. I don't want to start taking out loans, if ever, until I have a stable job.

Will college pan out for me? Maybe, maybe not. I won't stop trying, because I've never stopped trying, which indicates a desire for me to finish. And it's something I have to do for myself. My idiotic ex-wife's grandmother was right about that one thing.

The time is nigh for many positive changes in my life. I'm glad my son will be here. He's my best source of personal strength right now. My closest and dearest friends after him. My family is too, as much as I've stated in this blog many times over that I don't get along with them. I want to disclaim a lot of those statements , especially about my father (i.e., the post "In the Name of the Father..."), because those posts were made to exorcise a lot of internal demons. In that amount of time, I've come to a lot of peace with myself about those things. There are a lot of things he has done. He's bailed me out of several financial issues surrounding both my divorces, when I didn't ask for it. He's never really expected repayment, although I've always paid him back. As much as can't be said between us, there's a lot said in other ways. A time is going to come where no matter where I am, I'll have to do my best to try and be a pillar of strength for those closest to him, and him (if he'll allow me), because sooner or later, he'll have to have open heart surgery to correct the minor artery blockage in his heart. As much as we've disagreed, we still wake up with the attitude the next day that we can make that day better than the previous one. We still watch TV together, still talk about anything mechanical, still do all the things we have done in the past that bonded us.

It's a strange thing, watching my parents grow old. It's a stranger thing, knowing how many years have passed, and realising that I've come of age. I'm in the position my parents were in when they were my age, and I was 10 years old, and just beginning to look up to them and many other adults as examples of what adulthood and maturity mean.

Life is good, overall, even though I'm in the situation I'm in. I don't expect to be unemployed much longer. Hell, I can't wait to be unemployed, in fact. I have a lot of crap I want to buy now, including a brand new laptop, and eventually get out of this place and to a more private, personal place I can call my home and space.

Now, if my car will just make it 168 miles and back with no trouble tomorrow... things will be much, much better.

2:57 p.m., VERY loud thunderclap.

Ok, I don't know what else to write about at this point. I think I'll go make something to eat. I haven't eaten much today but a banana, which was gross, because it was going kind of bad, but I picked the bad ends off of it and ate it anyway.

Wouldn't you know it...I just looked out my window, and saw a faint rainbow.

*sad smile* Yes. Life is generally good right now.