A Fine Line...

I find it funny (and I do not mean that in a good way) how people care a great deal about the disabled. But if you're halfway there, in a kind of 'grey' area, they couldn't give two shits. You're just a whiner.

There seems to be an extremely fine line between 'disabled' and 'semi-disabled'.

I consider myself semi-disabled. You would not know it by watching me move around. I'm just damned good at hiding it for fear of embarrassment.

Every single fucking day of my life, I live with pain. My doctors (and yes, I've tried many at this point), either have the pass-the-buck attitude, or they have the attitude my place of employment has -- deal with it.

Two years ago, almost to the date, I suffered a crippling back injury that almost left my paralyzed. I went through therapy like I was supposed to, endured a 7 month wait before SOMEONE would give me an answer as to how I was progressing. Finally, at the end of 7 months, a neuro-surgeon told me I was 'healed' and brushed me off. I guess the fact that I'm not in a wheelchair discredits me. Now, before you dismiss this as a 'oh God, another whiner', hear me out, you fuckers.

I don't ask for the pain God has apparently bestowed upon me. When I get to work, I can either suffer in a pile of my own sweat all day (and be less productive than I could be, and draw the attention of others that don't know me very well), or I can take the lovely pain pills I've been given by my one of my doctors and stay gorked all day long (and be less productive than I could be). I dislike either of those choices. And people have/do already make fun of me for having a big obnoxiously loud turbine fan at my desk, which stays on constantly to keep the sweat off of me and from keeping the very same fun-pokers from having to whine about how much I stink.

Some mornings, I wake up feeling like I've been run over by a car or a train. That's the only way I can describe it. At least one day a week I roll out of bed, trying not to yell out in pain and wake my wife up. At least one day a week I think about calling into work because of it. The pain is the most blinding in the morning. I take plenty of vitamins and potassium, and I still get charlie horses in my legs about every other night, so if I get those, that gives my day a lovely head-start with uber-sore muscles. I don't have as good control over my bladder as I used to...I can't go more than an hour without having to take a leak now. Sometimes less than that. Some days my legs just hurt for no godamn reason...those days I sweat the most. And let us not forget/discount the back itself...some days I just can't sit still very long, I have to get up and move. And of course, I can't stand up very long/walk around very long, too. Boils down to -- can't stay in any permanent position for too long.

When I'm walking back to my desk, or just around the building in general, people smile at me and say hello. The best I can get out is a whispered "Hi" or "Hey", because I'm so out of breath from walking and in so much pain that's all I can muster. Having seen this once or twice, the office manager called me on the phone one day after I had called to tell her that something was wrong with a door on the building and asked me if anything was wrong, but I'm sure she was being quite cynical in her approach to me.

And I am having an extremely difficult time losing weight because I can't walk or ride an exercise bike longer than 15 minutes before my legs get weak and give out. You have NO idea what it's like feeling that sensation. I'm not talking about muscular strain, I'm talking about losing the POWER to move your fucking legs.

Due to the overall nature of my personality, it appears to me that some people think I'm making half this shit up and/or just whining about it. I'm literally this close to telling everyone to fuck off, whether they believe me or not.

To those people, I have this to say to you. YOU experience a severely herniated L5/S1 disc, deal with the initial pain from that, deal with the months of pain that follow, and the permanent problems it leaves you in physically afterwards, plus deal with how it ruins your overall life. Then see if you fare better than me.

When I was jobless, a certain parent of mine kept bitching me out for not having a job. I tried, in as serious a tone as I could, explain to him that I don't have certain basic motor functionality that most people take for granted these days, therefore I couldn't go for the jobs he was suggesting (retail, restaurant). His response was typical, telling me to 'cut the shit'. I'm literally at a point where I just want to strangle people like this. I don't know what it is I have done to make people treat me so disrespectfully when it comes to my limitations, but I do know I've HAD it with being called a liar.

My in-laws are no better. Another certain somebody on that side is bound and determined that I was healed after no more than a month of being injured (at which point I could not walk without the aid of a cane), but she like others seems to think that I'm just conniving and want attention.

The sad thing about all this is...I can't do anything about this anymore. Even if it could be proven that I need a discectomy, neither my wife's nor my crappy health insurance at work would pay for it (and yes, I've checked into it, for those who would call me out on not doing that).
Even if by some miracle I could get the surgery, it wouldn't bring back the permanently lost nerve conduction in my legs...nor would it allow me to lose weight. And to the doubters, you need to realize the weight gain WAS due to the fault of the long-term effects of the injury.

I know my new boss at work has been watching me, when I get up from my desk. Yes, I do go smoke, but I'm trying to quit smoking...the primary point of getting up is to go walk, to try and keep my legs working, and to get myself OUT of pain, 9 times out of 10...and I will continue to do so even after I quit smoking. And of course, to go to the bathroom. My eyes roll at the very thought of eventually being pulled aside and having to explain it to him, only to have him likely respond in the same way most people have responded to me in the past. Sooner or later, this guy's going to do it.

I don't know what the point is of this. I'm not seeking attention, not this time. No, this time I am venting, plain and simple. I want the opportunities to better my condition and my situation, but I'm not going to get it. I am not giving up seeking additional therapy or medical treatment for this, but the doubters in my life either don't think I need it, or don't care. Those are the lovely people this post is dedicated to.

Personally, I think it's only a matter of years, maybe ten or twenty, before I end up in a wheelchair permanently. Maybe at that time I will be treated with a little more respect by the doubters in my life.