Back in Sickland Again

So, I'm sick again today. This blows. This time, it's diarreah. I will NOT go into details about that here, I think I've said quite enough.

I offered to work from home, since the rest of my department is set up to do so. But since, unlike most of the rest of my department, I am hourly rather than salary, there is likely a discrepancy as to whether or not I get paid.

I'd go if I thought I wouldn't look ridiculous sprinting to the bathroom every 5-15 minutes. I just want this new job to work out...and my body isn't helping things.

Yes yes, I know people get sick. But I'm in a probationary period, as with all new jobs, and I've already been sick once. I can only hope the quality of my work (which hasn't been presented to me yet as being good nor bad) is my saving grace.

I just get wound up when stuff like this happens.

Passion Stolen....

I need my fix. I've gone almost an effing year without it. I just can't stand it. I feel the familiar urge coming on, and I try to deal with it. But I just can't.

No, really. I CAN'T do too much about it, not right now.

Now that my self-esteem has picked up again, I find myself looking at pictures of me during my old addiction.

I'm currently watching an animated series called The Legend of Black Heaven. Only those with my addiction would understand the full scope of the effect this show has had on me the past few days. But it reminded me. It reminded me of the one gift that a higher power gave me at birth that I do, and do well.

It is my passion. My obsession. And now, lack of it is starting to become my pain.

If you haven't figured it out yet, my addiction is clearly displayed on my profile picture.

When I feel the urge, I pick up my Alvarez D-150 Acoustic. But it's just not the same. Not one damned bit.

It doesn't compare to plugging into an amplifier, cranking the master volume control, playing the stereo or a recently produced demo and playing along with it.

To become so lost in what I do I care not what anyone sees, the expressions on my face, only what I feel in my heart. It is the greatest natural high I have ever accomplished; the joy I feel playing guttural rhythm grooves or forcing one of my nine electric guitars to scream a high pitched, throaty cry....it's the equivalent of climbing a mountain.....then diving back down again into an extremely fast pentatonic or diatonic or frygian riff.....it's the equivalent of parachuting off the same mountain...and the faster and harder you go, the better it feels. The inspiration that got you to pick up your instrument in the first place suddenly gives spontaneous birth to brand new inspiration, sometimes without end. I know when I've done a good 'workout' when the backside of my right forearm and my guitar are both drenched in sweat when I'm done.

So at this point you're probably asking yourself "WHY the hell can't you do it already, GET OVER IT and just DO it?"

It's not that simple.

I live in an apartment complex. Strike one. My 'room' for all my musical stuff is shared by my son when he comes over....but I don't think the kid needs any more than just a damned foldout bed in the living room, because he lives on the PS2 when he is inside the apartment. So, there's a space problem.

My amplifier is set up. But it's cramped. There's no stereo in that room. Music playing on a stereo helps me set the mood, as well as get in the mood. It really does. Whether it be an SRV CD or some old rock-glam song. Something that sings melodiously, whatever-it-is that inspires me.

Lately a lot has been inspiring me, which is why this awareness in myself has been reawoken.

I'm a little self-conscious playing that deeply as described above around my wife. Yes, I just said I don't care whose watching, but I do wonder what she's going to say or think if she ever sees me actually putting all of myself into something like that. She's only gotten minor blasts of what I'm really capable of on the instrument. As much as I know and love my wife so deeply, this is a side of me (albeit a good one, I think) that she has yet to really see.

I used to have the ideal situation living at home, and in my brief year in my rent house in Oak Cliff. When everyone was at work, or on a Saturday afternoon when my ex went shopping, I would crank and blast. Even when we were living in my grandmother's upstair apartment, we had a door separating rooms. I could crank as much as I liked upstairs, as long as the door was shut. My grandmother is tolerant of noise, in fact, I think she prefers a noisy house. And this is going to sound rude, but she's in her 70s and losing her hearing, so there was little harm nor foul in cranking it up.

All I know is this when it comes to my playing...

Within me lurks something animalistic when it comes to music. Something demanding to be released. I can't crank my instrument amplification at home for the most obvious reason -- eviction. Which REALLY sucks. Bottom line (and those of you who play guitar know what I'm talking about)...if I can still hear the strings acoustically on my electric guitar OVER the volume of the amp, it's not loud enough. If I can't get some small unintentional feedback from the speaker of my amplifier (a la Hendrix) if I stand too close to it, it's not loud enough.

*sigh* I feel so oppressed, and so full of rage about the oppression. It's not really anybody's fault, I just wish we had a house.

And what's sad is, this is the greatest conduit I have ever had to deal with depression, anger, anxiety, etc., making music--and playing it from the heart--my greatest soul-cleanser. And I'm not just some noise maker... rarely have I ever gotten any complaints about my guitar playing (unless it was back when I was still learning a new song and my dad got pissed off about the fact that I kept playing the same tune over and over again, but that was just minor stuff...)

I'm not a top-40 artist, I haven't tried that because frankly fame scares me, but I'm damned good at what I do. And unlike ANYTHING else I'm good at, I love this in as much as I'm good at it, and unlike anything else I'm good at, I can never get enough of nor too much of it.

When it comes to music, I'm a free bird. And this bird you cannot change. Now I know how a bird feels in a cage.

So, Politically, I Am....

Normally I hate these things, but here's what I apparently am....

You are a Social Moderate (55% permissive) and an... Economic Moderate (55% permissive) You are best described as a: Centrist Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid

First Post

Anyway...

Last post was just a test. This one will be my first actual 'entry'.

Since I'm home sick from some kind of irritating food poisoning/stomach flu, I feel compelled to write about my new job.

I spoke of new beginnings. So, after two years of college, and a dehabilitating back injury that damned near derailed my entire life, now I have a new job...right back at the old place I was at before. Any anonymous readers of my blog probably have no idea how ironic that is considering the circumstances.

I realized something new when I started this job. My apprehensiveness about every little thing is going to kill me from self-induced stress someday. I left my old job on very good terms, but also left a nasty work environment that many didn't survive as long as I did, under 'old management'. Since I'm trying very hard to shed my old skin of grudges and bad blood that the old company created, that's all I'm really going to say about the 'old days'.

I came back to find a completely different company, just with the same group of people. That same group of people created my apprehensiveness when I first came back.

I began to think of the old days, and in spite of what my friend told me to reassure me that things had changed, I became turned inward after I was hired, dreading that first day.

Apprehensiveness is good, but I somehow always resort to extremes in my mind when faced with a big life change. My wife remained supportive throughout all of these issues I had.

I was also fairly torn inside and assumed that I would have to completely give up school for all of this. It angered me at first, considering that I originally took on this job to support my wife through her Master's... then I realized... I had just been out of the cogs of society too damn long, and needed to snap out of it.

Two years of nothing but school and online games like Star Wars Galaxies, Everquest 2 and World of Warcraft will do shit like that to you. The injury I had also drove me into a very unhealthy weight gain, courtesy of my doctors making me paranoid of moving a muscle, lest I break my back and become paralyzed.

So, where is all this going?

My first day of work came and went.

Blew my effing mind. My new boss, who is also the old friend, made good on everything she told me, and then some. Everyone there works hard, that hasn't changed. But the nasty aura surrounding the entire environment and department and attitudes of people I used to work with is no longer there. It's an amazing thing what a good change of management can do. For the people that left, I don't miss em', and if I ever see them again, it will be too soon.

Another friend of mine that worked with me during those old days just came back. He, too, is experiencing the insane culture shock of working in a humane environment. Work environment is truly everything with a job, for me. Yes, there is always going to be stress, etc., blah blah, but this old co-worker and I are both amazed at the change.

He and I can't believe that we can get up and go to the bathroom without being noticed. We're amazed we can go take breaks without getting followed outside. We're amazed that we're not being micromanaged. We're amazed that we can go to ANYONE in our department and ask a question and not have to dread the person answering us sounding annoyed that we even bothered them in the first place. I even came across an old middle-management boss that I was known to butt heads with in the past, very apprehensive, and even that person welcomed me back warmly with a sincere, friendly smile and a handshake. It was after all that had happened that I had decided things had truly changed for the better.

Ok, so I did touch on the past by comparing it to the present, so I lied. But since the present is a GOOD thing, I make no apologies for it.

Now, that I've had the time to think things through rationally, without worry, I realize I can do things...my wife and I can proceed forward with our goals without financial worry. I see myself actually living in a house with her. I see us as a true family. I see myself going back to collecting guitars and my classic car hobby. And, I even still see myself finishing school. I see myself losing weight again. I see a lot of things turning 180 degrees and being better, in time.

My friend, the one that got me this job, she's awesome and I want to tell her that here, I owe her so much for this. My entire life is turning back around again because of her. So this blog entry, the first actual entry, is dedicated to her. I owe her more than she knows, and though she may never believe it within herself, I would like to take this time to say that she's one of the greatest friends any person can ever have.

Ok, I tried to eat something about 16 hours ago and puked it up, so I need to try and eat something again. Cross your fingers I keep it down, I really don't want to go to the doc today...

So.....

I tried another blog service, so I'm starting here anew. Much like my new job, lots of things in life are beginning anew now. Plus my friend who cherishes her blog asked me to create a screen name when I sign her posts made me figure 'what the hell, I might as well make use of everything this site has to offer'.

I don't know if mine will ever be like a diary. I'm rarely known to speak unless some poignant revelation or enigma hits me like a ton of bricks, or if I'm irritated about something.

It will be a little of both, but I plan to be known for my rants, which as my friends know, run for great (and long-winded) lengths.

http://www.illwillpress.com

Check that link out...this little squirrel is the inspiration for many of my rants.