Sometimes there’s a point to writing about this kind of stuff, sometimes there’s not. I’m not sure which is, but I felt the need to put my fingers to the keyboard at some point...I think I just needed to make sure my brain was no longer in its scrambled egg state first.
My wife of 4 years left me about three weeks ago.
She did it out of the blue. Gone for two hours one Sunday morning, scaring the shit out of me, then bam…she walked in the door of our apartment, and announced she was filing for divorce.
At first I was shocked, beyond belief. I knew we had had problems, but her words and body language simply said to me that she was stressed out, but that we didn’t have that many problems (nothing any sensible person would consider beyond the scope of a normal marriage), and I thought we had settled into things comfortably at least 1.5 years ago.
We’ve been more than civil to one another, and the legal matters are all being agreed upon, neither of us is going to contest anything, so that part of it is good.
There are other parts of it that I’m dealing with that are not so good.
I go back and forth with my emotions, and I have a funny feeling that I will be that way for awhile. Some days I can’t stand it and want her back, and my former life back, some days I’m perfectly content with my new freedoms and privileges as basically a single person once again.
The times I miss her, I just feel…I don’t know… not scared like I was with my first wife… confused? Confused that she’s gone and there’s not a single plausible reason she dumped me, other than she’s just not the kind of person that can stay married to someone. The most confusing thing is she said she loves me no less than she ever has…but that she just can’t stay married. She didn’t leave me for anyone else, I’ve confirmed that beyond the shadow of any reasonable doubt. She truly wants to be alone. But even THAT part I don’t understand.
There are many questions and things I desire to obtain answers on that I have accepted will likely never be resolved, I learned this from my first marriage. If I had cheated on her, beat her, turned gay, etc., I would have understood. This I don’t fully understand. I guess I didn’t help with the laundry enough, maybe?
And that brings me to an important revelation I’ve had in the last few weeks. No matter how concrete your commitment may be to one another in the beginning, people just don’t think this through, especially on their first marriage. I was very sure with her. I still was the day she dropped the bomb on me. But seriously, no one thinks this shit through in this day and age, and as a result, you have a society where it’s okay to get divorced at the drop of a hat. To hell with working things out, to hell with compromise and talking it through to resolution before filing, you can just walk right on out of someone’s life like a coward.
Sad, really, that no one truly knows how they’re going to feel once they’re there. This is something most people don’t really take into consideration before tying the knot with a significant other. Make sure you’re sure, of course there will be a great many things you won’t know about this person until later on in terms of compatibility, maybe you might not even like marriage itself, but Christ…my point is, people fail to recognize this kind of foreshadowing is important until it’s too late. So what’s the answer? Walk out of a person’s life.
I searched long and hard for my 2nd wife. Having been burned the first time, I needed someone compatible with both myself and my son, respectful of the fact that I keep ties to his mother for his sake, respectful that I’m close to my family, and just generally respectful of my needs and wishes…
…isn’t it funny, though, how as married persons, we are rarely loved as unconditionally by our spouses as they love their family and friends? Even if they claim you’re their best friend…it’s usually a load of crap, or they just don’t know what they’re talking about. My parents, for all their faults, both individually, and with each other, love each other unconditionally. They yell at each other, they bitch and piss and moan, but if something important goes on (like my mother’s back injury), they come together as a team and one becomes a pillar of incredible strength for the other. I have always been raised to believe that this is how it should be.
And I am humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief, for my son’s sake and for the sake of the way they raised me…embarrassed that I again had to tell them that I’ve been dumped, this time, like a bag of trash, and for no good reason. Their sticking it out over long years of turmoil, struggling with money, and a kid a little too bright for his own good did teach me one thing. Cliché’d as it may sound, and I’ve heard it from a lot of friends lately, you DON’T walk out on a fucking marriage…even if all avenues of working it out are exhausted, you Just. Don’t. Do. It. (though in my case, nowhere NEAR any avenues were exhausted). As prideful and dramatic as I can be when I get hurt or worry, I also have a hell of a lot of forgiveness in myself, IF things can be worked out, and the other person is willing to try. I don’t believe in walking away from anyone I care about, no matter how ugly or angry I become with that person. I could even forgive infidelity….come to think of it, I did forgive it, when my first wife and I attempted reconciliation (now, I know not everyone can do that, and if you can’t personally, I won’t fault you for it…I’m just saying if I love someone enough, infidelity is small potatoes compared to divorce).
I don’t know, I personally don’t feel that marriage is a viable thing these days unless you plan on having kids. It’s otherwise pointless.
All marriages start off good. And all marriages reach a level of comfortableness later on, where less has to be said, and love becomes something more that you do rather than what you feel. It’s a natural evolution of getting to know anyone. Sooner or later, things may get monotonous…you may get in a rut…I can promise you it’s very likely that those things won’t last forever.
I really tried to talk to her, to get out of her what’s been bothering her the last few months. She lied and wouldn’t talk to me because she had already planned to walk away from me. I can’t say I didn’t try.
I’ve had incredible support from my friends and family this time around. It’s hard, though, to wonder what’s going to happen to me now. As much as people don’t want to admit to this, being divorced twice makes you far less desireable than just once, except to other people who have been married and have crappy emotional baggage that you yourself don’t need any more of. Right now, I’m also in a very I-hate-women phase, and plan once my divorce is final only to date people (IF even that), but I do recognize my outlook may change later, I just don’t know yet. It’s too soon to tell. But I feel some of this change in me, and my trust of people in general being hurt even more than it was before – is somewhat permanent.
I also learned from my apparent support from my friends and family that three of my friends, including my first wife, have all had introspective conversations with their own spouses, and re-evaluated their own marriages, saying that they’ll talk it over if their marriage ever reached that level.
I wish that for all three of you if it comes to that point. I really do.
And this is perhaps why I’m writing this. If you’re in a relationship, and you really love this person unconditionally, and you think you might not be talking to them enough, gauging them out, how they’re feeling lately…DO it. Life is full of enough pain without this in it as well…divorce. My 9 year old son thinks this entire thing is stupid and my wife and I should never have come to this. His first question was simply: “WHO started it?”
But I’m serious. If you love someone in a marriage, engagement, etc., talk to them. Tell them how you feel…remind them you love them and you never want to lose them. These kinds of things are more important than you will ever believe, and they are very simple to do.
For a solid week, I was in denial. Bad dream, it’ll just go away, etc, etc. I’m finally beginning to accept that it’s over. I’ve been strong most of the time. But those rare moments when I succumb to weakness and cry, it just sucks.
I have to mention something completely unrelated here…
Once upon a time, about a year after I physically separated from my wife, in the fall of 1999, I met a wonderful person who did love me unconditionally. I really screwed her over, and I believe that my karma is now paid in full for what I did to her. I at last understand what she went through. She was an amazing person, a stellar lover, and more than that…she was my best friend, and my #1 fan. It’s rare to be worshipped like that. I will probably never get to talk to her again, and tell her what I learned from all this, but if I could say what I feel in my heart, I’d simply say…. Heather, I now know what I put you through, and I was a fool for letting you go…I’m only sorry our paths in life did not intersect at a point where I was ready for you emotionally.
Life is good, overall. But love the one you’re with…storms always pass… never lose sight of why you love someone, and why you remain by their side. Celebrate your love from time to time. And celebrate ALL your memories together, good and bad…block nothing out, forget nothing, and unconditionally love your significant other like they were the only person left on earth for you…because they probably are.
And to all you flakes who might be reading this … the ones who would walk out of a relationship without just cause just because you can, and if the time comes where they begin to bore you, and you plan to do it anyway, I have a message for you as well…
FUCK. YOU. you. homewrecking. pieces. of shit.
I better stop, before I upset myself.
Peace.
